So now what?

This has been the question I have been asking myself over and over and over again. I knew I was struggling with my life for a long time. I had a great husband, 2 wonderful healthy kids, a lucrative career, a beautiful house and just a lot of good stuff going in my life. Yet I was unhappy and it started taking its toll on my health. So I did what any rational married 30 year old mother of two would do....

I took a sledgehammer to what could be considered 'the perfect life'.

You don't know me and so you may be wondering, so why did you do it?

Simply put - I felt like a caged animal. There wasn't anything truly wrong with my life according to normal standards but I don't want to dive into the 'why', that will come later. I took a life changing trip to Africa, a two week long safari, and it was like I knew exactly what I needed to do. Before I even consciously knew what was happening, I blurted out "I am going to leave my husband" to a group of strangers and my mother! But after I said it, I knew I meant it, I knew I was going to leave. For the first time in 6 years, I felt free and it felt amazing!!!!

Once I came back state side and began speaking to friends and family, the reaction to my decision has been a bit all over the place. I have had many people who don't understand why I chose to divorce over separation but I knew separation would change nothing. Unfortunately I was met with even more that think I didn't have a "good" reason. Other than the obvious reasons for things such as abuse, why does one have to have a "good" reason. I mean I'm not all for people getting married and divorced whenever it suites them but it's their business and divorce is a very personal matter.

I was lucky enough to have my closest friends, who understood why I left and have stood by my side/supported me this entire time.

But I live in a small town and my community is limited and I need an outlet for everything that I am thinking and feeling! So I may get many readers or I may get 1. And honestly, I don't care, this is as much for me as it could be for others.

I have been searching for a place to begin. This blog is step one.

I have been told (in a very nice manner) that I have some stuff I need to figure out. These folks aren't wrong. I have a boat load of questions to work on, but I don't think I need to find the exact answers, I think I just need to begin the journey to find my true self and these questions can help guide my way.

1. Who am I?

2. What do I want out of this life?

3. What does my true self desire (no influences from others)?

4. What does my new freedom look like?

While at the same time I have some things to work on that don't require an answer but some self-love (or self help).

1. I need to accept that I am a mother

2. I need to accept that I am an ex-wife

And so here my journey begins.

Standing in front of Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe (09/2024)