I'm Back!!!

Hello White Page,

I'm back and boy am I back with a vengeance.

The last time I wrote, I was in a rough way that weekend. And I needed someone to talk to, just putting words on paper works well for me. It's as if I am sharing my inner feelings with someone and that's all I really need. Maybe I'll see a therapist. Going to start with just me and these pages to start.

Since my last post…

1. I started seeing someone

2. I traveled a lot - Germany, Greece, Madagascar and South Africa

   1. Plus a work trip to Seattle sprinkled in there

3. My heart just got crushed on Thursday - said person left me

Basically - I did not accomplish anything I wanted to, other than travel. I feel like I got minimal 'self-improvement' done. Relationships have a way of taking over, the little progress I was making just got crushed. All of a sudden you are so in tune with the other person's wants and needs. Not saying it’s a bad thing, but it is when you aren't done with yourself yet. It essentially ruined the relationship (or at least that is what I was told). So now I am back to those original pesky questions…

Who I am

What do I really want?

Here I sit, heartbroken, looking back at the questions that I had before. And guess what?! I am no closer to those answers than I was 7 months ago. So this time… I set goals. And boy did I! This blog is going to help keep me accountable as well as a very good friend of mine.

I'm terrified I will fail. But I'm more terrified of what will become of me if I don't even try.

I am not happy. Long term happiness can be last remembered back in 2016….

I do not feel like my true-self

I believe I  throw myself into relationships hoping another person can fill that void. This isn't uncommon I know. But I can remember when my happiness left. What actually left that void and what I am trying to fill - and I think that goes a long way!!!

It was the moment I realized I will never become a Veterinarian, when I gave up on my true passion of animals, chose to go back to school to be an engineer. I then settled for a life I never wanted. Now almost 10 years later it has taken its toll. I drink too much, I'm in and out of depression, and just have a general lack of enjoyment of this life. Which is ridiculous because I have so much to be grateful for!

1. 2 healthy children who can be super frustrating but are amazing little humans whom I love SO much

2. An overall great job. A fantastic boss. Flexible work location. Pretty good pay. Just need to learn to manage the pressure.

3. Beautiful house. My ex and I built it. I got to design everything how I wanted it, it's absolutely perfect!

4. Love where I live. Mountains, lakes, I have a boat and cabin Truly spoiled here.

5. Travel - with the flexible job I get to travel a ton! Not just for work but for fun as well.

6. My mom is basically my best friend and she is a major rock of mine. The person I can always count on.

7. I have great friends who have been an amazing support system. Just wished they lived closer.

8. I'll even throw in my ex-husband. He still annoys me and I'm glad we aren't together. But he is an all-around good person and we co-parent well together.

See?? So much to be grateful for! So why am I not happy? Is it a chemical imbalance? Is it just a piss poor outlook on life?

My wiring needs changed and I need to figure out that void.

Next blog - see my goal list, it includes this blog!!

Fun Disclaimer: Bumped into an ex from a decade ago and asked - did I seem genuinely happy? His answer was "no". Back to the drawing board… when was I last happy?! I remember its around the time my Veterinary world didn't work out and that ultimately that first started in 2013... So maybe it just got worse until 2016 when I really remember losing all happiness....